Worry and Should's
Today, I am looking at what has been haunting me for year, worry and should. As I start this I want to say, I am writing about are the things that I believe let me to doing what I thought other felt I should, worrying about other and what they thought of me, and led me to try to be the perfect daughter, wife, mother, and person. Which i think lead me to where I feel I have lost the fun of life and my joy. There were a lot of good times, but these are the times that lead me to not know me and what I want. This is turning into a sad novel, so don't feel the need to read this, it is more a place for me to get these sad things that have been held inside out of my system once and for all, I hope.
For as long as I can remember, I have worried about things and people. We moved a lot when I was very young and in grade school. When I was a child I worried if my dad would come back; if he did would he be drunk and hurt one of us? Would my mom have the money to buy what we needed; rent food, clothes? Was my little brother doing okay? Mom got a divorce, but the worries about was my Mom okay and would everything be alright next week still haunted me. Other fears for my family came and went and I am not going to go into them now, but through the good and the bad, I always tried to be perfect. If I was perfect; maybe my Dad (and later my step-dad) would not be mad, maybe my mom would be happy, maybe I could keep my brother safe. Then we moved back to the midwest to help take care of my Mom's mom as she was having some health problems. I got to be around family and had several cousins who were girls my ages. We were friends and not friends. The only one that I seemed to not feel less than was my one cousin Mary. The other three near my age were all sisters, the oldest was fun loving, the one half a year older was very smart, and the one just younger and I were in the same grade and she seemed to be super popular. I felt that I did not belong there. I missed my friends in California, they all acted like I was great and fun to be around. But in the midwest the kids seemed to think I was so different. They made fun of me, looking back now, I am not sure just why, maybe it was partly my fault as I had so much love for my past school in California and did not understand the culture differences. I also had a teacher who belittle me in front of the class because of ideas I had from my previous school. My cousin and I planned I surprise party for one of the teachers the year after I got back, I was in 6th grade. I wanted to be liked and accepted, but so far I had not made many friends and the kids seemed to only hang around me because of my cousin. Well we planned and did this birthday surprise party, and the teacher raved over it and told my cousin how wonderful she was, but all she said was that it was so nice of my cousin to let me help. I think that hurt me a lot. As a pleaser, I always tried to do things for other, the things I should to be perfect, but started to doubt if I was good enough. My Mom remarried and I got 3 step brothers and a step sister, then they had a baby boy together. My step-father and I (thirteen at the time) had a very rocky relationship, at the time I did not understand why and that it was not really me. I adored my mom's mom and was devastated when she died in my early teens. I felt she was the only one who loved me as I was. She alway thought I was doing wonderful and I don't remember her ever asking me to be or do more than I was. I tried for a while to get along and please my step-dad, but then I just went into protecting my younger sibling (all six, I was oldest) from his temper and what I thought of as cruelty. He was an alcoholic also, just not as mean as my birth father. Again I feel into the role of trying to protect, worry, and care for others. At 18, I went to spend the summer with friends and was almost raped by their youngest son. His older brother stopped it and kept me safe while I was with them. That was the summer of 1975. I decided I wanted to spend the spring 1976 touring the country. Grayhound bus had a special unlimited ride pass for the bicentennial and I planned out how to make my money for the 8 month until I started back to college in the fall of 1976. I had a full scholarship and living stipend that I could defer until then. I had family and friends of family, all over the USA that I could stay with, a job through the holiday of 1975 and I was so excited. I called my mom to tell her and she begged my not to do it. She said my step-sister had chosen to stay with her real mom and she needed me to be a good example to the other kids and do what was right. I needed to good to college in the fall and not do such a silly thing as waste my time and money traveling. I need to get my education and a job so I could be a good member of society and make her proud. I am not sure those are the exact word she said, but it was what I heard. I felt that to be successful was tied to money.
I went to school and did not do my plans. I was frustrated and I think angry. I ended up losing my scholarship and getting sick with mono; which caused my stepdad to tell me I was just a typical female who would not amount to anything and that he was washing his hands of me. He also forbid my mom from helping me.
I had a little money so after he told me to leave his home, I went back to college. Mom had called a couple of people she knew in Ames where I went to school and gave me the names of a single ladies looking for a roommate. That turned out to be a roommate from hell, she wanted someone to pay half the rent, cook, clean, and not be seem or heard. One of my advisors from college student body government was talking to me and introduced me to her church. The people of there were very nice to me and made me feel like they cared. When they asked me to take the discussion and become a member, I agreed. I was alone and scared, they made me feel cared about. When my roommate got to be so bad, this same lady who introduced me to her church, asked if I wanted a nanny job for her step kids and her new baby. They offered me a basement area for my apartment and a good wage. it seemed perfect. I worked hard as her husbands three kids were all handicapped mentally , we only had them part time, but they were sweet kids. She had gone back to work full time and her worked somewhere. At first everything was great. I had new friends at church, a guy who was dating me, a nice place to live, and really like the kids and the wife. Things seemed to start getting strained and I noticed things that seemed a little off, like a closet full of guns and weapons. Then the husband's ex- wife disappeared, the kids came to live with us. One of my days off I came home early and the husband and wife were arguing, the husband was enraged and pushed me downstairs to my living area and told me to stay pit. He then locked me into the basement. In just a few minutes I heard someone scream and hurt someone fall. It reminded me so much of being a child again. I was terrified and crawled out a window in the basement and ran to the Bishops house. He and some other men went over to where I was living. The husband was beating his wife pretty badly. They got her out, called the police and took her and her baby somewhere safe. They also all my stuff and moved me in with some nice member while I found a apartment to rent. There were restraint orders so the husband would not bother his soon to be ex-wife or me and he obeyed them as far as I know. A member owned a Taco Time and offered me a full time job with a set of early morning prep jobs and then evening counter work. This made it possible to go back to school, which I did. And I found an apartment with two other girls.
The Bishop of the church total me that it was my responsibility to heal the wounds in my family any way I could. I needed to not be the cause to mention in our family, he told he and helped me write a letter to my step-dad saying that I was sorry for all the problems I caused and I wanted him to know that I knew they were all my fault. I objected that what he wanted me to say. It was not how I felt and I did not believe that I should write what I considered to be a lie. He told me it was my duty to heal the breach in my family and if I loved my mom, I would not want her to suffer because of my pride. That s good child would do what they could to help their parent and not cause them to suffer. I wrote the letter. My step father wrote back that as I had seem the the truth and was welling to be a good daughter now, my mom could talk to me again, but no way was she to help me.
Life went on for the next year pretty well, the guy I was dating went on his LDS mission and we wrote regularly. Did I mention he was the Bishops son, yeh a little awkward as the bishop would call me in to check how was was doing and how things were going almost every Sunday. After my 21st birthday I had to decide on my major in college (which I had been paying for myself), I was having a hard time deciding what was the major I should do. I did not think Art and fashion/costume design (my then major) would get me the kind of jobs I was supposed to get, so I could be successful.
I took a visit for the summer to Orem to stay with one of the girls I met when I joined the church. I also had been total that what I should be doing was looking for a husband, as I did not think the guy I was writing was sure thing, as I knew he was writing 4 other girls too; I thought maybe I could date some guys out at BYU during the summer. I liked the idea of marrying a mormon boy, because the church is against smoking, drinking, drug, and such. I did not want men like my mother had married. I meet my present husband that summer and inspire of several misunderstanding we ended up deciding to get married right away. I have to say that that is probably the best decision I have ever made. I was still trying to be the perfect; mormon, wife, daughter, friend, and then the mother when our kids came along. I enjoyed a lot of the things I did throughout our so far 38 1/2 years of marriage, but we are very different people and had our share of ups and downs; including a couple of points where we had to make the choice of staying together or separating. I am glad we have alway decided to work out our problem and stay together. About 13 years ago we moved from Orem to Saratoga Springs. It was a kind of turning point for me, I finally had had enough of trying to be the perfect mormon. There are many thing good I can say about the church, they were there when I was at a very low point in my life. For that I am thankful to the people in that church, but I have never found a religion that I totally believed in, I just went along because I wanted to fit in and that was creating so many internal problems for me, also problem with some of my family. I will say here I have never been sorry with my decision to leave the church for myself. It was not right for me and during those years I was trying to be what I thought would make those around me happy. I loved and love being a mother; my children and my husband are the best things in my life. But I have lived under the fear that I am only accepted if I am what I believe other want me to be. I have done what I felt other thought I should, tried to make people happy, apologized for being me sometimes to calm the waters in my life. i want my friends and family to be happy. I am just realizing that I can not make them truly happy. By being what I feel others think I should and doing what I think is expected of my, isn't making anyone really happy and I feel like I do not even know me. I have spent my life trying to be what I believe other want me to be, so I will not be alone. I have realize if that is what it takes, I will never be happy because people don't know me, they just know this persona of what I feel people want me to be.
I am going to try to be more me from now on. I am a good person. I have been good person, not perfect, but good. This means I am going to work on letting go of the guilt I have when I am not doing everything wanted of me by others. I am going to look at why I am doing things. Am I doing them because I feel I should or others want me to? Or am I doing things I want to and feel that it is the right thing for me and other if I do Them? I know that the two options will not be in sync some or most of the time. Also, I am taking responsibility for my happiness and letting others work on their own. I am not will to give up mine for other as much as I have in the past. It is not my job to make everyone I know happy. I want to be kind to all, myself included. I am going to explore what I like to do because I feel good and happy because I am doing it, not because I think I "should". I am going to try to stop looking to others for my self worth and look where it need to come from, myself. It will not be easy to change the habits of a life time, but I am starting to believe I deserve it.
For as long as I can remember, I have worried about things and people. We moved a lot when I was very young and in grade school. When I was a child I worried if my dad would come back; if he did would he be drunk and hurt one of us? Would my mom have the money to buy what we needed; rent food, clothes? Was my little brother doing okay? Mom got a divorce, but the worries about was my Mom okay and would everything be alright next week still haunted me. Other fears for my family came and went and I am not going to go into them now, but through the good and the bad, I always tried to be perfect. If I was perfect; maybe my Dad (and later my step-dad) would not be mad, maybe my mom would be happy, maybe I could keep my brother safe. Then we moved back to the midwest to help take care of my Mom's mom as she was having some health problems. I got to be around family and had several cousins who were girls my ages. We were friends and not friends. The only one that I seemed to not feel less than was my one cousin Mary. The other three near my age were all sisters, the oldest was fun loving, the one half a year older was very smart, and the one just younger and I were in the same grade and she seemed to be super popular. I felt that I did not belong there. I missed my friends in California, they all acted like I was great and fun to be around. But in the midwest the kids seemed to think I was so different. They made fun of me, looking back now, I am not sure just why, maybe it was partly my fault as I had so much love for my past school in California and did not understand the culture differences. I also had a teacher who belittle me in front of the class because of ideas I had from my previous school. My cousin and I planned I surprise party for one of the teachers the year after I got back, I was in 6th grade. I wanted to be liked and accepted, but so far I had not made many friends and the kids seemed to only hang around me because of my cousin. Well we planned and did this birthday surprise party, and the teacher raved over it and told my cousin how wonderful she was, but all she said was that it was so nice of my cousin to let me help. I think that hurt me a lot. As a pleaser, I always tried to do things for other, the things I should to be perfect, but started to doubt if I was good enough. My Mom remarried and I got 3 step brothers and a step sister, then they had a baby boy together. My step-father and I (thirteen at the time) had a very rocky relationship, at the time I did not understand why and that it was not really me. I adored my mom's mom and was devastated when she died in my early teens. I felt she was the only one who loved me as I was. She alway thought I was doing wonderful and I don't remember her ever asking me to be or do more than I was. I tried for a while to get along and please my step-dad, but then I just went into protecting my younger sibling (all six, I was oldest) from his temper and what I thought of as cruelty. He was an alcoholic also, just not as mean as my birth father. Again I feel into the role of trying to protect, worry, and care for others. At 18, I went to spend the summer with friends and was almost raped by their youngest son. His older brother stopped it and kept me safe while I was with them. That was the summer of 1975. I decided I wanted to spend the spring 1976 touring the country. Grayhound bus had a special unlimited ride pass for the bicentennial and I planned out how to make my money for the 8 month until I started back to college in the fall of 1976. I had a full scholarship and living stipend that I could defer until then. I had family and friends of family, all over the USA that I could stay with, a job through the holiday of 1975 and I was so excited. I called my mom to tell her and she begged my not to do it. She said my step-sister had chosen to stay with her real mom and she needed me to be a good example to the other kids and do what was right. I needed to good to college in the fall and not do such a silly thing as waste my time and money traveling. I need to get my education and a job so I could be a good member of society and make her proud. I am not sure those are the exact word she said, but it was what I heard. I felt that to be successful was tied to money.
I went to school and did not do my plans. I was frustrated and I think angry. I ended up losing my scholarship and getting sick with mono; which caused my stepdad to tell me I was just a typical female who would not amount to anything and that he was washing his hands of me. He also forbid my mom from helping me.
I had a little money so after he told me to leave his home, I went back to college. Mom had called a couple of people she knew in Ames where I went to school and gave me the names of a single ladies looking for a roommate. That turned out to be a roommate from hell, she wanted someone to pay half the rent, cook, clean, and not be seem or heard. One of my advisors from college student body government was talking to me and introduced me to her church. The people of there were very nice to me and made me feel like they cared. When they asked me to take the discussion and become a member, I agreed. I was alone and scared, they made me feel cared about. When my roommate got to be so bad, this same lady who introduced me to her church, asked if I wanted a nanny job for her step kids and her new baby. They offered me a basement area for my apartment and a good wage. it seemed perfect. I worked hard as her husbands three kids were all handicapped mentally , we only had them part time, but they were sweet kids. She had gone back to work full time and her worked somewhere. At first everything was great. I had new friends at church, a guy who was dating me, a nice place to live, and really like the kids and the wife. Things seemed to start getting strained and I noticed things that seemed a little off, like a closet full of guns and weapons. Then the husband's ex- wife disappeared, the kids came to live with us. One of my days off I came home early and the husband and wife were arguing, the husband was enraged and pushed me downstairs to my living area and told me to stay pit. He then locked me into the basement. In just a few minutes I heard someone scream and hurt someone fall. It reminded me so much of being a child again. I was terrified and crawled out a window in the basement and ran to the Bishops house. He and some other men went over to where I was living. The husband was beating his wife pretty badly. They got her out, called the police and took her and her baby somewhere safe. They also all my stuff and moved me in with some nice member while I found a apartment to rent. There were restraint orders so the husband would not bother his soon to be ex-wife or me and he obeyed them as far as I know. A member owned a Taco Time and offered me a full time job with a set of early morning prep jobs and then evening counter work. This made it possible to go back to school, which I did. And I found an apartment with two other girls.
The Bishop of the church total me that it was my responsibility to heal the wounds in my family any way I could. I needed to not be the cause to mention in our family, he told he and helped me write a letter to my step-dad saying that I was sorry for all the problems I caused and I wanted him to know that I knew they were all my fault. I objected that what he wanted me to say. It was not how I felt and I did not believe that I should write what I considered to be a lie. He told me it was my duty to heal the breach in my family and if I loved my mom, I would not want her to suffer because of my pride. That s good child would do what they could to help their parent and not cause them to suffer. I wrote the letter. My step father wrote back that as I had seem the the truth and was welling to be a good daughter now, my mom could talk to me again, but no way was she to help me.
Life went on for the next year pretty well, the guy I was dating went on his LDS mission and we wrote regularly. Did I mention he was the Bishops son, yeh a little awkward as the bishop would call me in to check how was was doing and how things were going almost every Sunday. After my 21st birthday I had to decide on my major in college (which I had been paying for myself), I was having a hard time deciding what was the major I should do. I did not think Art and fashion/costume design (my then major) would get me the kind of jobs I was supposed to get, so I could be successful.
I took a visit for the summer to Orem to stay with one of the girls I met when I joined the church. I also had been total that what I should be doing was looking for a husband, as I did not think the guy I was writing was sure thing, as I knew he was writing 4 other girls too; I thought maybe I could date some guys out at BYU during the summer. I liked the idea of marrying a mormon boy, because the church is against smoking, drinking, drug, and such. I did not want men like my mother had married. I meet my present husband that summer and inspire of several misunderstanding we ended up deciding to get married right away. I have to say that that is probably the best decision I have ever made. I was still trying to be the perfect; mormon, wife, daughter, friend, and then the mother when our kids came along. I enjoyed a lot of the things I did throughout our so far 38 1/2 years of marriage, but we are very different people and had our share of ups and downs; including a couple of points where we had to make the choice of staying together or separating. I am glad we have alway decided to work out our problem and stay together. About 13 years ago we moved from Orem to Saratoga Springs. It was a kind of turning point for me, I finally had had enough of trying to be the perfect mormon. There are many thing good I can say about the church, they were there when I was at a very low point in my life. For that I am thankful to the people in that church, but I have never found a religion that I totally believed in, I just went along because I wanted to fit in and that was creating so many internal problems for me, also problem with some of my family. I will say here I have never been sorry with my decision to leave the church for myself. It was not right for me and during those years I was trying to be what I thought would make those around me happy. I loved and love being a mother; my children and my husband are the best things in my life. But I have lived under the fear that I am only accepted if I am what I believe other want me to be. I have done what I felt other thought I should, tried to make people happy, apologized for being me sometimes to calm the waters in my life. i want my friends and family to be happy. I am just realizing that I can not make them truly happy. By being what I feel others think I should and doing what I think is expected of my, isn't making anyone really happy and I feel like I do not even know me. I have spent my life trying to be what I believe other want me to be, so I will not be alone. I have realize if that is what it takes, I will never be happy because people don't know me, they just know this persona of what I feel people want me to be.
I am going to try to be more me from now on. I am a good person. I have been good person, not perfect, but good. This means I am going to work on letting go of the guilt I have when I am not doing everything wanted of me by others. I am going to look at why I am doing things. Am I doing them because I feel I should or others want me to? Or am I doing things I want to and feel that it is the right thing for me and other if I do Them? I know that the two options will not be in sync some or most of the time. Also, I am taking responsibility for my happiness and letting others work on their own. I am not will to give up mine for other as much as I have in the past. It is not my job to make everyone I know happy. I want to be kind to all, myself included. I am going to explore what I like to do because I feel good and happy because I am doing it, not because I think I "should". I am going to try to stop looking to others for my self worth and look where it need to come from, myself. It will not be easy to change the habits of a life time, but I am starting to believe I deserve it.
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